Boiled Cures for Non Existant Diseases

You will need:

- a bad stomach ache
- one onion
- milk
- lemons
- lots of honey
- some sage
- basil
- hot water
- wine
- pelligrino
- a lot of patience


As you now know, I suffered from "food poisoning" (stomach aches) last week, and my symptoms carried on into my work day.

I'd imagine that a couple of trips to the washroom could go unnoticed at a typical job, but I don't have a typical job for a young canadian blondie. It's very hard for me to get a job as a waitress as my previous bosses never allowed me to pour alcohol before seeing my ID (apparently my 40 dollar Serving it Safe certificate never proved anything) and at every single mandatory liquor commission meeting I've attended I've been used as "a prime example of an underage drinker that can under no circumstances be given any amount of alcohol."

So I am not and never will be an Earl's Girl, and I doubt I'll ever serve so much as pancakes at any restaurant. Ever.

Instead, I am the only canadian-born girl of any age, shape, or size working at DeLuca's Italian Market. It's the greatest job anyone like me could ever hope to have. Instead of being hit on by drunk frat boys all night I get proposed to about eight times a day by 70 year old europeans, who call me bella and sneak me sandwiches and chocolate eclaires all day long.

The down side of this is that any slight problem I may be having with my health (tiredness, stomach aches, bad breath) instantly become a great concern for my fellow workers. You can see how more than one trip to the bathroom a day may arouse some concern, so eight trips in the span of an hour spurred a fantastic amount of rumours throughout the entire 40 person staff. Of course, anyone that has been to DeLuca's will know that the staff is made up of Spaniards, Russians, Philippinos, Israelis, and Italians, each with their own remedy for my worrisome illness.

One American woman I work with told me to chug a bottle of Pelligrino water. This seemed logical, and I was halfway through the bottle when the three russian ladies in the kitchen saw what I was doing and shouted "Maiushka!" (Maiya in russian?) You must not drink Pelligrino! You must drink sage! Take sage, put it in a glass of hot water with 1/2 of a lemon and 3 drops of honey, stir for two minutes, then let it sit for five minutes. Drink quickly, but not too quickly."

I smiled and assured them the pelligrino had done the trick, but the russians were already shouting of the wonders of sage and preparing me their remedy. More so as not to insult them than anything, I took the drink and sipped it, trying to ignore how bad it tasted and how bad it was making my stomach feel.


Of course I was about three sips in when one of the Israeli women yelled from across the room "Maiyeeta!" (Maiya in Israeli?) Sage is wonderful for stomach aches, but do you ever have menstruation?" Customers turned their heads with interest towards me. Eventually, because the entire kitchen staff had stopped what they were doing to hear my answer, I nodded. They all look at me proudly and the exclaimed "aaaah, for cramps of the menstruation, you must drink the same drink, but with basil!"
"Thank you!" I shouted back.
"It works wonders for menstrual pains!'
"Yes, thank you!"

Half an hour later, I went to take my break and a Spanish man from the Deli sits down next to me. He leans in and whispers with great seriousness, "Bonita. I hear you have terrible flu." (He works downstairs and I work upstairs so how he knew this baffles me). "For this, my father used to give me great medicine, and now I will give it to you." I hold out my hand, thankful to finally receive some Advil or gravol, but instead he merely leans in closer and says:

- Take one onion.
- Put it in a pot of milk.
- Boil the milk and the onion together for 10 minutes.
- Take out the onion.
- Continue to boil the milk for another 5 minutes.
- Put the onion back in.
- Boil for 1 more minute.
- Take out the onion and strain the milk through a strainer.
- Throw out the onion and add honey to the boiling milk.
- Drink the boiling milk with honey quickly, but not too quickly."

I thanked him but told him I didn't like hot milk and would try gravol instead.

He shrugged and said "if you don't like milk, you may try the same thing with wine. Advil will not work."

I suppose, dear bloggers, that the only point of this very long blog is to remind us all that maybe we do need to think twice before we pop pills to ease our everyday aches and pains. Maybe we just need to eat a banana to cure our tummy aches, or indulge in some red meat to wake us up a bit. Or, if you're spanish, do a lot of careful boiling and un-boiling involving onions.